10 Second Movie Reviews #9


  1. (of language or style) Concise and forcefully expressive.
  2. (of a fruit or plant) Containing much pith.
  3. (usually) I take the pith for your entertainment.

The Raid – Redemption (2011)

I have three words for you. WTF.

I lied. I have 28.

Imagine 60 Jackie Chans at thrice the speed all armed with giant Swiss Army appurtenances.  It might be one long, massive trick but it’s a fecking good one.

War Horse (2011: Jeremy Irvine, Emily Watson, David Thewlis; adapted from Michael Morpurgo‘s book.)

Loins girded here. Super trooper …

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (2011: Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Tom Hardy, John Hurt; from John le Carré‘s book)

Major upper-lip stiffing fest. More convolutions and bumps than your large intestine (copied below to enhance your viewing pleasure).


The Lucky One (2012: Zac Efron, Taylor Schilling, Blythe Danner; from Nicholas Sparks’ book.)

… is not Efron.  He goes for it while Schilling is doggedly welded to the ‘now I’m a sad little flower school of dwama’ which would be cracking if the audience were a pack of marauding four-year olds.

21 Jump Street (2012: Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill)

Devotees of “broomstick up rear passage” better not bother.  IIIIII liked it.

My Week with Marilyn (2011: Michelle Williams, Eddie Redmayne, Judi Dench, Kenneth Branagh, Emma Watson, Dominic Cooper)

Redmayne, he of the Burberry raincoat ads holds his own (literally).  Poor Branagh as ‘L’Olivier’.  Poor Williams as ‘La Monroe’.  Very tough job.  The producers could have waited about two centuries for the lingering fragrance of the original megaliths to have dissipated. Neither is sexy enough here (but I sense the distant clink of Oscars getting a good buffing).

Faces in the Crowd (2011: Milla Jovovich, Julian McMahon)

I don’t much care for the cut of her jib. But we do get to learn a big word: Prosopagnosia (face blindness).   Ma-Jovo literally shakes ad nauseam, suggesting she learned acting from Tweetie-Boid (no offence, T-B).  And, WHO is responsible for employing the “let’s put one over the audience” trick that got retired from films yonks ago.  (“Taxi! … Pistols R Us, my good man – and don’t spare the horses.”)  We want my money back.

The Skin I Live In (2011: Antonio Banderas)

Our friend from the land of the ‘co-jones’ punishes a plain Wayne by turning him into La Ravishista and then some… 

I was convinced.


Good Neighbours (2010:  Scott Speedman, Emily Hampshire, Jay Baruchel)

By Good Neighbours, we mean, of course, the exact opposite. Includes cat-murderer.  Call the movers – RIGHT THIS SECOND!

50 Dead Men Walking (2008: Ben Kingsley, Jim Sturgess, Kevin Zegers)

At least this martyr (from the 80s) is credited with fast-forwarding the peace initiative.  Belfast cove turns double agent.  Start running, matey (he still is).  IRA in a permanent froth for the chance to brush up their jump-leads/gonads/knees/hammers  combo party-pieces.

The Happening (2008: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel)

The Triffids have been busy swotting. Your 21st century tendrils rest up their stems and go into the gas biz.  In comparison, our old compadré “silent but deadly” is Chanel No 5.

The Halo Effect (2004: Stephen Rea)

Dis cout only coom out of de UK via Éire.  Sue-ry, Yanks, I know yuss got yer Walk o’ Fame, wit all doze sterrs in de con-creet and all dat shite. But yuss cun’t do down to eart loike dee udders, loike uss. (That’s my Irish accent; feel free to complain.)

Rea is something else.

Housebound (Kitchen Privileges) (2000: Peter Sarsgaard, Katharina Wressnig, Angeline Ball, Liz Stauber)

Traumatised girl takes in odd lodger.  Yes, that is exactly what I generally do right after being attacked and  left a jibbering husk.

It is a very unstarry nano-year in yon Milky Way indeed when my favourite guy wins the Big (Angry) Yawn (however, I take my vocation seriously).


Swinging with the Finkels (2011: Martin Freeman, Mandy Moore)

Dear me.

(I passed Freeman and his family on the street recently and nearly passed out with excitement.)

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