Category Archives: Pithy 10 Second Movie Reviews

It is much harder to write a couple of sentences than half a page.

10 Second Movie Reviews #8

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pith·y/ˈpiTHē/

Adjective:
  1. (of language or style) Concise and forcefully expressive.
  2. (of a fruit or plant) Containing much pith.
  3. (often) I take the pith for your entertainment.

The Entitled (2011: Ray Liotta, Kevin Zegers)

 

Foul, smarmy North American teenagers (you want to punch them) help justify the disenfranchised robbing their (teens’) crumblies. Said olds get their own plot thus doubling your merriment. Conceiver enlists the two most capricious ‘helpers’ the universe has up its sleeve.  Recipe for chaos anyone?  Clever. Wacky finale.

 We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011: Tilda Swinton, John C. Reilly, Ezra Miller)

 

Dishes up the ‘nature or nurture’ quagmire in a fashion to make you consider self-sterilisation-on-the-spot. (“Start boiling up the wire coat-hangers, Mabel.”) Advice to Swinton: get Thee to a podiatrist.

Shame (2011: Michael Fassbender, Carey Mulligan)

 

Sex addict can’t glimpse so much as a hole-punch at his office without rubbing one out.  Fassbender is not backward in coming forward, as it were. Thank the Lord it’s not in 3-freakin’-D.  (“Virgins, look away NOW!”)

King of Devil’s Island (2010: Stellan Skarsgård, Benjamin Helstad, Kristoffer Joner)

 

Wall to wall desolation complete with snow up to your navel and bum-friendly tutor in the fjords. Splendidly done but frightening as is recent history. Reindeer waiting for December get a walk-on.

The Way (2010: dir: Emilio Estevez; Martin Sheen, James Nesbitt)

 

Sheen and his uneven arms (polio) traverse El Camino de Santiago with nil preparation and nary a blister. Wholly dedicated to keeping unexplained grumpiness on the boil in too-late attempt to bond with son who had fallen off his perch on his (son’s) earlier first trekking day. Stirring. Book your air-tickets now.

Escapist (2008: Brian Cox, Joseph Fiennes, Dominic Cooper, Steven MacKintosh, Damian Lewis)

 

A bevy of banged-up, wayward, yet enchanting fellows navigate London’s discarded tube tunnels. Worth seeing for that alone.  Hint: A chance for you to play ‘spot the ghost.’

 Five Fingers (2006: Ryan Phillippe, Laurence Fishburne)

 

Cherubic Phillippe had me stymied.  Intense mental calisthenics. Gaggable knife-skills. Good accents.

Fragile (2005: Calista Flockhart)

 

The good old “cute as Scrat and his Big Acorn therapist commits herself to the alarmingly freakish nut-house in the middle of bloody nowhere” stratagem.  Formula guaranteed to drive you back to your homework/divorce proceedings/root canal treatment.

The Forgotten (2004: Julianne Moore, Gary Sinise, Dominic West, Linus Roache, Anthony Edwards)

 

Children are ‘chosen’ but what is the experiment? Moore up to her armpits with pluck. Sinise looking a bit toadish (great though). Stars son of Coro’s Ken Barlow!

Domestic Disturbance (2001:  John Travolta, Vince Vaughn, Steve Buscemi)

 

Despicable step-dad ruffles various feathers, not the least of which those affixed to the ever-expanding La Travolta. Tame outing. OK if there is nothing else doing.

The End of Violence (1997: Bill Pullman, Andie (She’s Worth It) MacDowell, Gabriel Byrne)

 

Film mogul turns to the soil. Full of shrouded schema. Gorgeous house. Lovely Mexicans. Atmospheric. Cerebral even.

Sorry, guys, but Big Yawn this week goes to …

Extreme Honour (2001: Dan Anderson, Michael Madsen, Michael  Ironside, Oliver Gruner)

Astounding in that everyone spoke at the wrong (slow) speed with huge pauses.  The proverbial brick shithouse had incredible skin and an incongruous lisp. This appears to be Anderson’s only flirtation with Hollywood, poor guy.  But I could see him making it big in porn (so to speak). Maybe that’s what he’s up to now … (“WE are not that kind of blog.  Spoilsport.”) Mad scenario. Look out for Green Acres’ son who is the spit.

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10 Second Thriller Film Reviews #7

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pith·y/ˈpiTHē/

Adjective:
  1. (of language or style) Concise and forcefully expressive.
  2. (of a fruit or plant) Containing much pith.
  3. (often) I take the pith for your entertainment.

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone)

Spiderman: the cocoon years.  I thought we would never get to see boyo in that fetching red and blue uni-tard. Many questions were left hanging (not unlike our hero.) For a change, no-one is that good-looking – but somewhat troublingly – Martin Sheen’s teeth seem to be taking him over.

Columbus Circle (2012: Giovanni Ribisi, Selma Blair, Jason Lee, Amy Smart)

Shade-dwelling heiress daren’t step over her own front-doormat in bid to keep malfeasance at bay. No chance. The lady vanishes. But not sufficiently.  Moral: Don’t trust anyone, EVER.

Enduring Love (2004: Daniel Craig, Rhys Ifans, Samantha Morton, Bill Nighy)

Via Ian McEwan (Atonement). Ifans is a convincing erotomaniac (sporting the exact greasy bonce from Notting Hill) who interprets Craig’s daily curtain regimen as lurve semaphore. Moral: don’t get mixed-up in hot-air balloon rescues.

Deception (2008: Hugh Jackman, Ewan McGregor, Michelle Williams)

Prize turnip and near-virgin E-McG gets into sex club after a makeover by WolfMan Jack, I mean ManJack Wolf, I mean JackWolf Man … you know.  (“Yes, Ewan, you shall go to the Mall”). Guess who goes on the lam and gets handsome (I’d cross to the other side too if I thought it might help my looks).  Moral: Don’t think charismatic people are really interested in YOU.

Infinite Justice (2006)

Jewish (I’m just a hack) civilian goes to Karachi against advice.  He plays lots of chess before realising  he is a hostage so the fundamentalists can spring a ‘colleague’ from Guantanamo Bay. Things get worse.  Really?  Moral: don’t be naïve in strange countries (see Rachel below).

Die II (2010)

Group of  ‘unconnected’ people wake up prisoners where each throw of the dice indicates how much  torture and/or death will be experienced by each other. (It’s never this much fun at my local Casino.)  Moral: if you try to commit suicide, have the decency to get it right.

Consequence (2003: Armand Assante, Rick Schroder)

Brother swaps a few bits so he resembles dead brother. Far-fetched premise but Assante is MAGNETIC. Moral: DNA all dead bodies you come across.

The Cell2 (2009)

Unlovely twerp flatlines his victims then resuscitates them – so hexagonal the thrills – until the subjects spoil his fun and throw in the towel. This cunning stunt is munted by his first catch (now psychic) who got away.  Quite boring … which is … quite an achievement.

 Incendiary (2008: M Willliams, E McGregor, M MacFadyen)

Girl paints her walls in a handprint motif with aid of dead infant after London bombing.  Romeo has a hideously ironic secret.  Sad; but uplifting ending.

After. Life (2009: Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci)

Neeson an excellent undertaker.  Ricci an excellent corpse. BUT she won’t ‘go towards the light.’ BUT he might be jacking up his custom … ?

Already Dead (2007: Christopher Plummer, Til Schweiger)

High-end vigilantes help you thrash out grief by honing your Black & Decker skills on the nearest swein-hund.  Satisfying.

The Backwoods (2006: Gary Oldman)

Two barely presentable (English) men with gorgeous, young, thin foreign wives (somebody explain that to me) adrift in the Spanish countryside as they grapple with the usual inbred, local, unhinged dorks.  I sense a less than fluffy conclusion.  You don’t say.

Body of Lies (2008: Leonardo Di Caprio, Russell Crowe)

Leo squeals his way non-stop around the Middle East like the kid he is.  Offset by a porked-up Crowe’s lounge-lizard demeanour on the other end of the phone.

The Crying Game (1992: dir N Jordan: Miranda Richardson, Stephen Rea, Forest Whittaker)

Cover of

Terrorists are human too. Contains one of the most famous film surprises of all time (top 100).  Intermittently, the rest of the (poteen for brains) IRA stampede their way through the fil-im. Great theme song.

Rachel (France, 2009)

Fairly balanced doco about Rachel Corrie who was killed when a peace activist in the Gaza Strip in 2003.  Seems to point towards an accident because she was by herself and not in a group. Ironically, that day the bulldozers were only moving earth (as opposed to demolishing houses).  Sadly, over the closing credits we were forced to watch and listen to some deluded ‘friend’ perform this endless ‘rap’ about the incident. Moral: don’t think just because you are a ‘Westerner’, that you are invincible in a strange country.

And, ta-dah, the Big Yawn of the Week goes to …

… Dark Ride (Drew Fuller, Sam Douglas)

Set in Berlin whilst all characters are English/American. Pussy Galore-clad nasty is good-looking but wooden as (do I hear the creak of a casting couch?).  They must have got a job lot of cars judging by the pile-ups.  I gave up the struggle well before … zzzzzzzzz.

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10 Second Thriller Film Reviews #6

Posted on by

pith·y/ˈpiTHē/

Adjective:
  1. (of language or style) Concise and forcefully expressive.
  2. (of a fruit or plant) Containing much pith.
  3. (often) I take the pith for your entertainment.

Our Idiot Brother (P Rudd, S Coogan)

I heard it required plastic-pants: no; but it amounts to a cool twist. Rudd and Coogan are super.

Our Idiot Brother

Our Idiot Brother (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Disappearance of Alice Creed (Nobody you have ever heard of but they’re great)

Two first-class drongos kidnap a girl they KNOW who … (quel surprise).

 

The Disappearance of Alice Creed

The Disappearance of Alice Creed (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Say a Word (M Douglas, S Bean, B Murphy)

Girl with valuable secret prefers the loonie bin to hanging out with Sean Bean. She is mad. Somebody tell me how Douglas’ wife gets to the toilet.

 

Ted (M Wahlberg, M Kunis)

Ted to Norah Jones: “You’re not bad for a half-Muslim.” She: “Half-Indian.”  Ted: “Anyway, thanks for 9/11.” You get the picture.

Norah Jones at Massey Hall

Norah Jones at Massey Hall (Photo credit: Smaku)

 

Nothing But the Truth (M Dillon, K Beckinsale, V Farmiga, D Schwimmer)

Journalist makes a stance that lasts years. After a week, it’s just a big … zzzzzzzzzzzz. Learning the source was a let-down; made no sense why KB kept schtum. (PS: is it just me but why does ‘Vera Farmiga‘ make me want to break out the Blue Vein?)

 

Hamlet (Silent b/w German 1921)

Colour gaily trips (no pun intended) along between black/yellow/pink/lime-green/white. Some kraut wag made Hamlet a GIRL.  (NB: The actor was 37 at the time – those were the days.) Hilarious body language ensues. Riveting considering the vintage, and the length (1 hr 40). Unmissable un-boobing finale. Should have cult status.

 

The Constant Gardener (R Fiennes, R Weisz)

(Via John Le Carré.) What the British do so well. Terrifying, convoluted, gentle. More arse-holes than a Roman toilet. Fiennes is something else.

 

Everything (R Winstone)

They must have had to drug Winstone (or hoped the audience would be). J u s t   t o o o   l o o o o o o  n  g.  I guessed his reasons 20 minutes in. (“Nobody likes a smart-alek, Jane”).

 

To Die For (M Dillon, J Phoenix, N Kidman)

I wanted to smash my screen. Kidman was killable. Phoenix in drool cum retard overdrive. The dramary (drama via doco) and flashbacks irk. We knew the ending from the start (“ditto above”). Irk.

 

Trans-Siberian (E Mortimer, W Harrelson, B Kingsley)

The poms do it again. Not the story you think is unfolding. The setting just made everything worse (and I’m referring to the toilets here, never mind Siberia).  Never share a sleeper on a train.

 

House of Games (J Mantegna)

(Via David Mamet.) Boss of Criminal Minds decades ago (a dream). The con-tricks are beaut. Bonus: the 80s clothes/hair-dos are hysterical.

 

In the Electric Mist (T L Jones, M Steenburgen, J Goodman)

Anything with TLJ never misses. Set in Louisiana. Strange through-story of the Civil War. I was expecting alligators. And the title seems wrong somehow. (“Who cares? Exactly.”)

Mary Steenburgen

Mary Steenburgen (Photo credit: Sharon Graphics)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is no doubt that Big Yawn of the Week (or possibly the Millennium) goes to:

Not Forgotten (S Baker of The Mentalist)

Not forgotten quickly enough, more-like.  Everybody mumbles. Constantly. There did not appear to be a director involved. Why did the aggrieved just not kill the jerk years ago instead of waiting until the daughter starts MENSTRUATING?

BOOKS

Blind Spots (The 10 Business Myths You Can’t Afford to Believe) by Alexandra Levit

Jolly good; but you don’t need to be told to wear clothes appropriate to the job (unless you hail from Alpha Centauri).  Best line: “The brain treats the failure to achieve a goal the same way that it treats the loss of a valued possession (which) the brain seeks to resolve by driving us toward accomplishment.” That from the commercially-named Dustin Wax; he should get into household products, immediately.

The Lost Girl by Caroline Roberts

Caroline was abducted by Fred and Rosemary West. After she was their NANNY. Goodness knows what Jojo ‘Naughty Step’ Frost would have made of this mob’s child-rearing Post-It Note reminders on the fridge. This was in their “formative lunatic” years so Caroline scarpers – just. On top of that, the rest of Caroline’s life is a trauma a page. You get your money’s worth here.

Rosemary West

Rosemary West (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sybil Exposed by Debbie Nathan.

I read Sybil (and saw the film) years ago and was shocked. BUT, not as shocked as this. A scheme to make money/fame by ALL THREE: Sybil Dorsett/Shirley Mason, Dr Cornelia Wilbur and Flora Rheta Schreiber (author). The latter checked into Sybil’s background and found nil corroboration. But Dr Wilbur played her tapes of Sybil under the influence of drugs. Wilbur knew that Sybil and her mother suffered from pernicious anaemia, which explains their slightly odd (but not crazy) traits. PS: I understand some parents are still in jail via convictions made out of Multiple Personality Disorder/false memories, which became ‘popular’ after the original Sybil book; MPD does not exist. (I recall seeing some goon on TV a long time ago claiming to have nearly 400 personalities.)

Thank you and goodnight!

multiple personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder – The …

Cover of

Cover of Sybil (Two-Disc Special Edition)

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