pith·y/ˈpiTHē/

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone)

Spiderman: the cocoon years.  I thought we would never get to see boyo in that fetching red and blue uni-tard. Many questions were left hanging (not unlike our hero.) For a change, no-one is that good-looking – but somewhat troublingly – Martin Sheen’s teeth seem to be taking him over.

Columbus Circle (2012: Giovanni Ribisi, Selma Blair, Jason Lee, Amy Smart)

Shade-dwelling heiress daren’t step over her own front-doormat in bid to keep malfeasance at bay. No chance. The lady vanishes. But not sufficiently.  Moral: Don’t trust anyone, EVER.

Enduring Love (2004: Daniel Craig, Rhys Ifans, Samantha Morton, Bill Nighy)

Via Ian McEwan (Atonement). Ifans is a convincing erotomaniac (sporting the exact greasy bonce from Notting Hill) who interprets Craig’s daily curtain regimen as lurve semaphore. Moral: don’t get mixed-up in hot-air balloon rescues.

Deception (2008: Hugh Jackman, Ewan McGregor, Michelle Williams)

Prize turnip and near-virgin E-McG gets into sex club after a makeover by WolfMan Jack, I mean ManJack Wolf, I mean JackWolf Man … you know.  (“Yes, Ewan, you shall go to the Mall”). Guess who goes on the lam and gets handsome (I’d cross to the other side too if I thought it might help my looks).  Moral: Don’t think charismatic people are really interested in YOU.

Infinite Justice (2006)

Jewish (I’m just a hack) civilian goes to Karachi against advice.  He plays lots of chess before realising  he is a hostage so the fundamentalists can spring a ‘colleague’ from Guantanamo Bay. Things get worse.  Really?  Moral: don’t be naïve in strange countries (see Rachel below).

Die II (2010)

Group of  ‘unconnected’ people wake up prisoners where each throw of the dice indicates how much  torture and/or death will be experienced by each other. (It’s never this much fun at my local Casino.)  Moral: if you try to commit suicide, have the decency to get it right.

Consequence (2003: Armand Assante, Rick Schroder)

Brother swaps a few bits so he resembles dead brother. Far-fetched premise but Assante is MAGNETIC. Moral: DNA all dead bodies you come across.

The Cell² (2009)

Unlovely twerp flatlines his victims then resuscitates them – so hexagonal the thrills – until the subjects spoil his fun and throw in the towel. This cunning stunt is munted by his first catch (now psychic) who got away.  Quite boring … which is … quite an achievement.

 Incendiary (2008: M Willliams, E McGregor, M MacFadyen)

Girl paints her walls in a handprint motif with aid of dead infant after London bombing.  Romeo has a hideously ironic secret.  Sad; but uplifting ending.

After. Life (2009: Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci)

Neeson an excellent undertaker.  Ricci an excellent corpse. BUT she won’t ‘go towards the light.’ BUT he might be jacking up his custom … ?

Already Dead (2007: Christopher Plummer, Til Schweiger)

High-end vigilantes help you thrash out grief by honing your Black & Decker skills on the nearest swein-hund.  Satisfying.

The Backwoods (2006: Gary Oldman)

Two barely presentable (English) men with gorgeous, young, thin foreign wives (somebody explain that to me) adrift in the Spanish countryside as they grapple with the usual inbred, local, unhinged dorks.  I sense a less than fluffy conclusion.  You don’t say.

Body of Lies (2008: Leonardo Di Caprio, Russell Crowe)

Leo squeals his way non-stop around the Middle East like the kid he is.  Offset by a porked-up Crowe’s lounge-lizard demeanour on the other end of the phone.

The Crying Game (1992: dir N Jordan: Miranda Richardson, Stephen Rea, Forest Whittaker)

Terrorists are human too. Contains one of the most famous film surprises of all time (top 100).  Intermittently, the rest of the (poteen for brains) IRA stampede their way through the fil-im. Great theme song.

Rachel (France, 2009)

Fairly balanced doco about Rachel Corrie who was killed when a peace activist in the Gaza Strip in 2003.  Seems to point towards an accident because she was by herself and not in a group. Ironically, that day the bulldozers were only moving earth (as opposed to demolishing houses).  Sadly, over the closing credits we were forced to watch and listen to some deluded ‘friend’ perform this endless ‘rap’ about the incident. Moral: don’t think just because you are a ‘Westerner’, that you are invincible in a strange country.

And, ta-dah, the Big Yawn of the Week goes to …

… Dark Ride (Drew Fuller, Sam Douglas)

Set in Berlin whilst all characters are English/American. Pussy Galore-clad nasty is good-looking but wooden as (do I hear the creak of a casting couch?).  They must have got a job lot of cars judging by the pile-ups.  I gave up the struggle well before … zzzzzzzzz.

Related articles

• The Amazing Spider-Man – Review (moviegeekblog.com)
• Ewan McGregor Talks Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, “Lovely” Emily Blunt, and “Unsexy” Accents (popsugar.com)
• Hugh Jackman uses film script for bedtime read (time4sleep.co.uk)